


Sincerely, Hermione Granger!

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-21
Updated: 2011-07-21
Packaged: 2019-01-19 10:42:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12408813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Hermione writes a letter to Lucius Malfoy....





	Sincerely, Hermione Granger!

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

**Anywayyy, this was for a challenge "Hermione writes a letter to someone" and I picked Lucius Malfoy!**

* * *

_Dear Lucius Malfoy,_

_Hi! It's Miss Mudblood here, as your ever-so-courteous son calls me! I am just writing a letter to you to tell you what I think about you_

_Firstly, your son is a git. How the heck did you raise him to be such a git? Did you tell him every day when he woke up, “Malfoy, be a git today.” Or did you bribe him? Bribing would make such sense, because noone could be such a git so naturally._

_Secondly, you're a git too! Did your parents raise you to be a git? Did they say, “Oh Lucius honey, you have to be a git today.” Or did they spoil you so you think that you're better than anyone around you? Well, anyway, you're a git._

_Thirdly, you're a supporter of Voldemort. What, are you an idiot or something? It's so obvious! You should have been put into Azkaban from the very start. But nooo, because the Ministry's like, “Lucy dear gave us money, so we won't put him in Azkaban.”_

_Fourthly, what kind of a name is Lucius Malfoy? I can think of so many nicknames. Like Lucy, or Ci-Ci, because of luCIus, you dig? And Malfoy. It's like Manor except Malfoy, of you get what I mean. Was your family crazy to name you Malfoy? That's such a stupid last name! Narcissa was crazy to mary you. You know what..her name is stupid too! Cissy or Narcy. NANCY! AHAHAHAHAHA! Anyway, Narcissus is the name of the Greek legend of the guy that was so in love with himself that he died trying to make out with his reflection. Did you know that? I bet you did. In fact, I bet that you tried to make out with your own reflection, you're so stupid._

_Sixthly, you aren't even smart! You know how I know that? You probably didn't even realize that I skipped “fifthly”. And now you're doubling back to check it and thinking, “Fail.” Draco isn't smart! And heck, I bet that Nancy isn't smart. And since you're not smart, I bet you don't know who Nancy is. It's Narcissa, you idiot. Didn't I just go “Ahahaha”? Duh? See, you're not smart. I knew you weren't smart. You know what sucks? Not being able to write an intelligent, well thought out letter to the person you hate, because you know that he is not smart and won't know what you're saying! It's idiotic! I'm just thinking, “I hate non-smart people”. I mean, I am friends with Ron and Harry, but they aren't gits...well, Harry isn't anyway. Which brings me to my next topic..._

_Seventhly, your 'stupid' grudge against Harry Potter is well...stupid. You know what? I bet that you're gay and you secretly have a crush on Harry, and you're jealous that Draco at least gets to see Harry every day. HAHAHAHA! I wonder what Narcissa will say about this when she realizes it. Nancy doesn't deserve a gay husband. I bet that you're going through that mid-life crisis. You know, you shouldn't lust over younger guys. You should just buy a new manor. That's a better way to deal with a mid-life crisis. I know, I'm full of good ideas._

_Eightly, I don't like you at all man._

_Sincerely,_

_Hermione Granger!_

Lucius Malfoy looked up from the letter to his wife and son's shocked expressions and sighed wearily.

“I'm sorry Draco,” he said. “It's true. I'm in love with Harry Potter. Give him a kiss for me, will you?”

He threw the paper into the fire and walked away.  

**Review?**


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